Parenting Styles

Creating emotionally intelligent securely attached children

“Mom, can I have another cookie?”

This is a phrase regularly repeated in my home. Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is no.

When I first became a parent, I quickly realized that my natural personality was going to be stretched. I tend to be relaxed and easygoing. I assumed my children would naturally fall into consistent feeding and sleeping rhythms. I soon discovered that wasn’t the case.

What I learned—sometimes the hard way—is that children feel safest when there is consistent structure and predictable expectations. When a child knows what to expect, their nervous system can relax. Clear boundaries and steady leadership actually create freedom and security.

If we want to raise securely attached children, it’s important to understand our natural parenting tendencies and reflect on what style we are practicing. Below are the four primary parenting styles and some key characteristics of each.

Four Parenting Styles

1. Authoritarian Style

• Low warmth

• High structure and control

• Emphasis on obedience “at all costs”

• Rules are rigid and often not explained

In this style, parents prioritize control and compliance. While structure is present, emotional warmth may be limited. Children raised in authoritarian homes may follow rules well, but they can struggle with confidence, emotional expression, and independent decision-making.

2. Permissive Style

• High warmth

• Low structure and control

• Difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries

• Desire to avoid conflict or disappointing the child

Permissive parents are often nurturing and loving but may struggle to enforce consistent expectations. While children may develop independence and creativity, they can also struggle with self-regulation, limits, and wise decision-making due to a lack of consistent boundaries.

3. Authoritative Style

• High warmth

• High structure and control

• Clear expectations paired with empathy

• Consistent and reliable leadership

The authoritative style balances connection and boundaries. Parents lead with both firmness and compassion. Emotions are acknowledged, but limits remain steady. In this environment, children learn not only how to behave, but also how to regulate emotions, think critically, and develop wisdom. This style is most strongly associated with secure attachment and healthy emotional development.

4. Uninvolved Style

• Low warmth

• Low control

• Minimal guidance or consistent presence

• Limited emotional engagement

In this style, parents may be physically present but emotionally unavailable—or absent altogether. Children often struggle with attachment, emotional regulation, and meeting developmental milestones because they lack consistent support and guidance.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment

No parent fits perfectly into one category all the time. Stress, life transitions, our own upbringing, and personality all influence how we show up. The goal is not perfection—it is awareness.

Secure attachment develops when children experience both warmth and structure. They need to feel deeply loved and confidently led. Sometimes the answer to the extra cookie is yes. Sometimes it is no. What matters most is that the response is thoughtful, consistent, and grounded in both care and leadership.

At the end of the day, parenting is less about controlling outcomes and more about building safety, trust, and emotional resilience. When children know they are loved and that their world is predictable, they are free to grow.