Stonewalling is one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen of communication. It occurs when someone withdraws from a conversation, shuts down emotionally, or refuses to engage with a partner. While stonewalling can be a response to emotional overwhelm, it can also become a form of emotional abuse when silence is used to punish, control, or force compliance. What Does Stonewalling Look Like? Stonewalling is not always loud or confrontational. Often, it appears as an absence of engagement

Defensiveness is one of the four horsemen of relationship conflict identified by Dr. John Gottman. It often appears when we feel criticized, misunderstood, inadequate, or threatened by someone else's perspective. Instead of hearing what the other person is trying to communicate, we shift into protecting ourselves. We explain, justify, minimize, counterattack, or redirect the conversation toward what the other person did wrong. Although defensiveness can feel like self-preserv

In this second blog of this series, I want us to explore one of Gottman's Four Horsemen: Criticism. Criticism is a communication pattern that can gradually erode trust and emotional connection. Unlike addressing a specific behavior, criticism attacks a person’s character. It turns “I felt hurt when you forgot” into “You never think about anyone but yourself.” But beneath criticism, there is often something more vulnerable: an unmet attachment need, an unresolved fear, or a

In couples therapy, we often discuss Gottman's 4 horseman: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. In this blog, I want us to focus on Contempt. Contempt is more than criticism. It is an expression of superiority that communicates disrespect, disdain, or the belief that another person is somehow beneath you. It shows up in the way we speak about others, the assumptions we make about their character, and the subtle ways we dismiss their worth. While disagreement

High achievement and perfectionism can look remarkably similar from the outside. Both can produce someone who is organized, driven, conscientious, successful, and unwilling to settle for mediocre work. But internally, the difference can be significant. Excellence is driven by values. Perfectionism is often driven by fear. A person pursuing excellence may think, I want to do this well because it matters to me. A perfectionist may think, I have to do this perfectly because I ca

Addiction is often more than a struggle with a substance or behavior. For some people, it becomes a way of soothing an attachment wound, a way to manage loneliness, rejection, fear, shame, or emotional pain when they never learned how to feel safe without something outside of themselves. When early relationships are inconsistent, unavailable, or painful, a person may learn that their emotions are too much, their needs won't be met, or they are on their own. Over time, they ma

Failures are a gift After watching Ben Shelton play in the US Open final, I found myself thinking the words he spoke after his match. After losing the match, Shelton said something that stayed with me: “My successes are a gift. The failures are a gift.” It is easy to understand why success would feel like a gift. We celebrate the wins, the accomplishments, the goals we reach, and the moments when our hard work pays off. Failure feels different. We often experience failure as

Addiction rarely occurs in isolation. Many people struggling with drug or alcohol addiction also experience a mental health disorder, a combination commonly referred to as co-occurring disorders or a dual diagnosis. Co-occurring disorders can include substance use disorders alongside depression, anxiety, trauma, PTSD, ADHD, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and other mental health conditions. How Common Are Co-Occurring Disorders in Addiction? According to the 2024 National

In my practice, I often work with clients struggling with cocaine addiction, and one of the most striking things I see is how long a substance use problem can remain hidden. Cocaine addiction does not always look like someone who has completely lost control of their life. Many of my clients continue to work, parent, maintain relationships, and meet their responsibilities while privately struggling with cocaine use. Often, the people closest to them notice that something has c

Mental Food Battle The battle with food often happens in the mind long before it becomes visible to others. A distorted eating pattern can create a constant internal dialogue about food, weight, exercise, and body image. You may look healthy on the outside while feeling exhausted by the thoughts happening internally. Here are five common signs of the mental battle behind distorted eating: 1. Constantly Thinking About Food Your mind may feel consumed by what you ate, what you

Last week was our family’s last official week of summer. My middle child started preschool at the end of the week, and watching him walk into this new season of life made me pause and realize just how much he has grown over the last couple of years. Watching my children grow has a way of making time feel both incredibly slow and unbelievably fast. There are days when the fatigue, responsibilities, and constant demands of parenting can make it difficult to notice how beautiful

Imagine it's a Monday afternoon. You've spent the day on the golf course. The drinks started at lunch and continued throughout the afternoon. As you pull into your driveway, your young children are inside waiting for you. They are excited to tell you about their day at school, show you the picture they colored, or share the funny story that happened at recess. But before you walk through the front door, you reach for another drink. One open container becomes two. One is techn

Lately, I've realized I've been living with my lens zoomed in. Every day has felt like a series of demands to meet, decisions to make, problems to solve, and responsibilities to carry. When our perspective narrows this way, it's easy to become consumed by what isn't working, what still needs attention, or what feels uncertain. Why do I feel so weighed down? As I reflected, I realized something that is true for many of us. Much of what was contributing to my stress was made up

Recently, I have found myself reflecting on a pattern I have observed throughout my years as a clinical therapist. Some of the individuals who appear to have everything together are often carrying the heaviest emotional burdens. They show up to work every day. They attend class. They care for their children. They meet deadlines. They volunteer. They smile when someone asks, "How are you?" However, deep down they quietly admit, "I don't know how much longer I can keep doing th

Recently, I read the book, Never Enough by Jennifer Wallace, and it caused me to think about where our self worth and self esteem come from. As a parent, I deeply resonated with being intentionally zoomed in on the achievements and opportunities that are designed to help kids become successful. This book explores what happens when our sense of worth becomes attached to achievement, performance, and external validation. It suggests that many children and adults alike grow up b

Have you ever felt like someone's behavior toward you changed overnight? One day you were valued, and the next you were criticized, ignored, or treated as though you never mattered. While everyone experiences conflict differently, individuals with significant narcissistic or borderline personality traits may react to disappointment, rejection, or perceived betrayal in ways that feel confusing and emotionally intense. It is important to remember that having a few of these beha

In addiction, one of the most consistent patterns is not just the behavior itself, but the way a guilty conscience begins to construct alibis. Over time, the person is not only managing the addiction, but also managing how they appear to everyone around them. What starts as small explanations slowly turns into a constant need to justify time, money, mood, and movement. The Guilty Mind and the Need to Explain Everything A guilty conscience does not stay quiet for long. Even be

I have always loved books and podcasts that ask deep questions and ponder the big questions in life. Recently, I read Arthur Brooks' book The Meaning of Your Life, and it caused me to pause and examine my own life very deeply. Like many people, I spend much of my time focused on responsibilities, goals, deadlines, and the endless demands of daily life. But Brooks asks a simple yet profound question: What if success is not the same thing as meaning? That question lingered wit

One of the most common symptoms of alcohol addiction is secrecy. People hide how much they drink. They minimize consequences. They tell themselves they have things under control. Often, the deception is not just directed toward others—it is directed toward themselves. This is why many therapists encourage a concept known as aggressive transparency during addiction recovery. Aggressive transparency means choosing radical honesty about drinking behaviors, triggers, cravings, se

What Is Real Human Connection? In a world where conversations can easily drift toward criticism, judgment, and gossip, many people mistake these interactions for genuine connection. Shared judgment can create a quick sense of alignment and belonging. In the moment, this can feel like closeness. But this is not authentic connection. It is temporary bonding built on exclusion rather than trust. True human connection is inclusive, not divisive. However, if gossip is not true co