The Tool of Confusion in Abusive Dynamics
- Chelsey Beauchamp
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
The Tool of Confusion in Abusive Dynamics
Have you ever felt like someone in your life had to get their way?
Like they felt entitled to control or dominate you?
I recently listened to Eli Harwood, an attachment therapist, describe something deeply insightful: one of the primary tools abusive individuals and systems use is confusion.
Confusion makes the truth murky. It destabilizes reality. It shifts the focus away from harmful behavior and onto something else entirely. When confusion takes root, clarity becomes difficult—and clarity is often what protects people.
Below are several ways confusion operates in abusive dynamics.
1. They Befuddle Their Own Reality
Individuals who engage in abusive behavior often tell themselves a story in which they are justified. This requires a significant level of self-deception and an inability—or unwillingness—to engage in honest self-reflection.
They may believe:
They are doing the “right” thing.
They are morally superior.
They deserve to get what they want.
Control is justified.
Rarely do they label their own behavior as abusive. Instead, they rationalize it. The underlying belief—that they are entitled to dominate or control another person—is deeply problematic and often rooted in unresolved wounds, insecurity, or distorted power dynamics.
When someone believes they are above others, empathy erodes.
2. They Befuddle the Person Being Harmed
Confusion is especially powerful when directed at the person experiencing the harm.
This can include:
Gaslighting
Lying
Shaming
Gossiping
Shifting blame
Rewriting events
The abusive individual often creates a compelling narrative that redirects attention away from their behavior. Instead of addressing the harm, the conversation becomes about the victim’s tone, reaction, or perceived flaws.
Power tactics may escalate:
Isolating the person from community
Infringing on their rights or autonomy
Using intimidation, fear, or subtle threats
Manipulating shared relationships
Over time, the person being harmed may begin to question their own perception of reality. That confusion is not accidental—it maintains dominance.
3. They Befuddle the Bystanders
Confusion does not stop with the direct target. It often extends to the surrounding community.
Onlookers may be inundated with carefully crafted narratives meant to control the story. These narratives reinforce a mindset of:
“I am justified in getting what I want, when I want it, and maintaining control over this person.”
When bystanders absorb these stories without critical thought, the abusive dynamic gains social reinforcement. Isolation deepens, and accountability becomes harder to access.
Staying Grounded in Clarity
Abusive individuals are often stressful and overwhelming to be around. The emotional atmosphere can feel chaotic, destabilizing, and heavy.
Protection begins with clarity.
Establish strong boundaries that create safety and stability.
Lean into supportive, emotionally healthy community.
Root yourself deeply in your own character, rights, and inherent worth.
You are allowed autonomy.You are allowed clarity.You are allowed to exist without being dominated.
Confusion thrives in secrecy and distortion. Healing begins with naming what is true.
If any part of this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Confusion can make it difficult to trust your own thoughts and emotions, but clarity and support are possible. At Core Restorative, I offer a safe and steady space to process your experiences, untangle distorted narratives, and reconnect with your sense of truth and worth. Healing begins with being heard in an environment where you do not have to defend your reality.
If you feel ready to take a step toward greater clarity and strength, I would be honored to walk alongside you.
